Invisible Disabilities...Or Not?

The disability that I acquired through my childhood is more visible than I once thought it would be. I lived in rural America in a house that was in a subdivision with tree-lined sidewalks. I could hear laughter of children as they played in the streets yet it seemed like I was from another culture. Behind the red front door that seemed to say, “Come in!” lay a different life. How could my childhood, something that is supposed to be so normal, be so strong and life altering? The disability that I suffer from is what happens when you grow up in a cult-like religion. I am speaking of a religion that split from the Wesleyan religion.
I always thought even at a very young age that I could escape and be normal like Susie and Joe down the street. I may look different on the outside because of my appearance, but I am just like them on the inside I would tell myself. I could be just as happy and carefree as they could if I could just have their life. In the chapter “Protest at Gallaudet,” Sacks writes, “But there were also tensions and resentments under the surface, which seemed to be simmering, with no possibility of resolution” (237). The simmering of resentments started at a very early age and festered through the years. I knew I was supposed to fit in a cookie cutter that I could not fit in. The realization of my fate dawned on my when I started to retreat into myself. I was an outgoing redheaded freckle faced petite girl with a heart as good as gold and a drive to live on the edge. I realized that no matter how hard I tried to be normal that I was being brain washed. This stigma was here to stay and it would follow me everywhere.
It all started the day my parents sold the TV because according to the religion it was evil. A man arrived and wheeled the TV out of the house while my three siblings and I broke down into tears. My parents informed me that I would no longer be watching the TV and that I would be attending the little church down on Cherry Street. I was confused and stricken with fear. All of a sudden, my life entered a new culture. Now it was all about ridding the house of evil things. I had to throw away records and books that I loved and enjoyed. My parents enrolled me in the church school where I would be taught only what the church thought I should learn. They really had me tied down; now we would never escape. I just wondered if life would ever be fun again. How can I play Trivial Pursuit if I did not grow up with Lassie and Gilligan’s Island? How could a religion that is suppose to be so good for me come in and alter my life this drastically?
Things were very different now; I could only wear long dresses, no pants or shorts, no cutting my hair, no dancing or listening to music on the radio. This was all sinful. Life stopped in its tracks that day. I was engulfed in a world of boredom and lifelessness. I had plenty of life in me that was not getting to live. I tried to be normal by rolling up my skirts to the fashionable length. I would live in the moment just to have fun. Like the time I cut my hair at school and panicked when I realized I did have to go home and face the music. The small spurts of normality and fun were not enough to spare me from the disability. I carried a sick feeling in my stomach from that day on. I somehow thought that I could escape the bruises that I acquired by just leaving the religion and becoming transparent in the secular world. I thought bruises always went away with time I soon found out that what I had acquired was not going away any time too soon.
I was dwarfed socially, mentally, and educationally. It was a very hurtful thing for me to carry. It was too risky for me to leave the culture and leave home to attend college. I might drift away. I had a burning desire to learn and grow but I was being held back by a religion. I did not understand or like what was happening to me so I moved out on my own and lived vicariously. I began to survive on my own in a world in which I was unfamiliar.
I thought was able to leave the grips of the culture that I did not want to belong to and start out on my own with my free will. I ended up in a marriage of emotional abuse that wore on for ten years. During the ten years, I became very angry and negative about life and all it handed me. I felt as if I was far removed from the religion but felt so deeply scarred that I felt ruined. In the chapter “Protest at Gallaudet,” Saks writes, “I let my attention wander, taking in the scene as a whole: thousands of people, each intensely individual, but bound and united with a single sentiment” (250). I felt this same way when I returned years later to participate in one of the religions camp meetings. I realized how far removed I had become physically but mentally I was still marred. It was hard to be there and feel the scrutiny of the people who can only accept you if you are part of their culture.
I eventually remarried and found a life of freedom and a new perspective. I am now living my dream of being a photographer and finding my true self. I enjoy my creativity daily and use it in my business and personal life. I continue to grow in a positive way each day
As I grew further and further from the feeling of loneliness brought on by the sheltered life that I had experienced, I was able to talk about it. I was able to find the creative, funny and alive person that was always there. Now life is bright, exciting, and full of life. Sure, I did not get to go to the prom but I will get to see my daughter experience it! I cannot go back and change anything but I can move on and live a wonderful life. I still feel dwarfed socially but I have learned to work with it. I guess I could say I lived in a different culture right in the heart of America!

Works Cited
Sacks, Oliver. From Protest at Gallaudet. Cultural Conversations. Stephen Dilks, Regina Hanson and Matthew Parfitt. eds. New York: Bedford St. Martin’s. 2001. 212-221.

6 "Untangle mixed constructions," (11).
10 “Make subjects and verbs agree”(24)